Pretentious Smile is the best i have now...(: "Claim me back please..."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Can WE really withstand time please?

At times, it really just sux to know that you're not here with me or for me! Times when i really just wanna scream or punch someone! Whether, it's me being overly-emotional or it's me being immature..i really miss you being here for me!! Life just ain't good without your presence here with me.

6:04 AM

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear,

I don't know how to start...but i'm glad...i really am... i'm glad i'm able to see you today... Frankly i was only mentally prepared to like go with your brother... but with Mother? hmm... that's a lot to take in... As randomly the night before i went to see you, your bro told me to give mother a call, she wanted to talk to me about you... I PANICKED BIG TIME!!! But in the end...i called her... it was a short & sweet convo.. Somehow the only thing that calm me down, was when she said, "aLi pesan suroh ajak hida pergi skali..." *blushing* bluek! You're the sweetest to me!

So in the end you know that your bro overslept, so i end up with mother ALONE...but yeah...at least mother's nice..really nice.... The visit was funny...wasn't it? i felt so mentel..and i think you were kinda mentel too.. i mean...WE were like giggling and smiling but didn't really say anything!!! I can't keep my eyes off you definitely!!! Dear, but though we didn't say much to each other, you just gave me the assurance that you'll be back for me... you gave me the feeling that you're not gonna let me go no matter what.. though you did say, if i found someone better..blablabla..you'll let me go if i wanna... But something just gave me the feeling that you somehow rather me stay..and stay for good! But i knew for sure, though we didn't say much to each other... we somehow knew what was on each other's mind!! Frankly, i think i didn't talk much cause i fear that i may break down in front of you... and i don't wanna do that... and I knew YOU were acting strong too... We're just stubborn egoistic ass who refuse to reveal our true emotions! I felt sad too...cause i knew and you even said yourself that on the outer layer..you may be laughing/smiling but inside...?

Mother really misses you and loves you a lot ...Dear! I'm still wondering though...why is it that though i'm just beside mother...why you couldn't ask me straight if i would wanna come along on the next visit?! Why you had to tell mother..to remember to ask me ... hmm?!! But you're still cute...really cute! & i'm really am in love with you! I realise one thing...when i recalled anything about you..i'm just happy. Conclusion? I'm happily in love with you..so be nice to me! i'm already missing you.. Dear..when you tell me that you could probably end earlier..i was literally on cloud 9.. cause i want to be with you so bad... Dear, i probably should update you that mother was asking me if i actually knew the actual story...and all i said was that i ain't sure. Then she open up to me a little...and she broke down in front of me.. this time i didn't panick, cause i could understand how she felt..and she just needed to express herself out.. thank god, i controlled myself to be stronger for a little more while... though mother cried only for a while.. still... it was a shocking moment for me. OOh...yeah..i'm not sure if you noticed...but there was a few times...when mother wanted to leave the room so both of us can have our own private convo.. but i stop her from doing so... cause i knew i'll be speechless...cause if i talk..i'll probably get emotional and break down..and make you worry about me.. I don't want that... i don't want you worrying about me..all i want is you to keep your promise to me... I really want to be back in your arms... I'll only be sincerely happy and safe...when i'm back in your arms, and this time promise me you'll not leave me again ..please...

PS: I read the letter...that one sentence from you...is enough to make my eyes teary...but i still manage to controlled... but "i miss you" is enough to let me know that i cross your mind and somehow you still had me in your heart! :)

Missing you much, Loving you lots,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

2:37 PM

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Day 28: My mind playing tricks with me...

Dear,

Can imagine you nagging at me now.. Okay, i know i said i will take my meds, but somehow i tend to forget... you know how forgetful i can be right... heh, i am taking my medicines but only when i tend to feel the pain in my throat... It's so weird how COKE can actually feel so acidic down my throat.. haizz.. My weekend...weekend...it's has and somehow will always be a lazy weekend. I've been having weird dreams lately, but i think probably i've been thinking of you too much when i'm home...then somehow when i fall asleep...my mind plays trick on me via my dreams. My posts is getting shorter? I know... I used to go through every single part of the day... thinking of you and wanting to tell you so much that i grew tired... i grew tired of NOT being able to tell you... NOT able to get a response.. NOT able to turn to you for advise... So basically, if i could i'll just go through the day as per normal try as hard as to keep you out of my mind, even though i miss you. Things that i feel as if i'm keeping to myself... cause nobody cares, and it's okay...i don't need pretentious concern from anyone no more, as much as i'm only 1/2 alive, i'll be strong for myself. Remember how once you'll tell me, that life is harsh.. probably i've not been through much, but in terms of relations...friends..i think i probably i know better. Reality did catch up on me i guess.. maybe i've not gone through any major mountain yet... but probably the relations that means the most to me...the relation whom i'm able to be there for them..are not able to do the same. Which is why i dared to say, i 'm strong but only 1/2 alive. Due to my off yesterday (Saturday) i realise how much work has actually kept me distracted and takes up my time in a good way... Next saturday will be my off too.. i probably should come up with something, even if it's a solo activity. I'm a saggitarius, probably the weakest one ever, i'm not able to be left alone and not do anything, as i would seriously have a mental breakdown and be emotionally disturb. I....frankly i think probably i been torturing myself too... As much as even Mummy reminds me to take my meds if not i'll end up going for OP like my bros..and it will also reduce the risk of me having frequent headaches and fever that i'm having.. i've been avoiding meds, feeding myself, with chocs, sweets and spice.. then take a nap when i feel feverish..and be really grumpy when i've a bad headache. Even at work, i would still feel feverish and have frequent headaches. Basically i just want to let you know, no matter how good a facade i can put up, i'm not happy... i really am not. I forgot how is it to have happy laughters naturally...

My friends are eager to meet you somehow, but i told them you're too busy with life to even meet me.... how would you set the time to meet them...

One even told me, to take care of myself, if not YOU will be worried and probably get angry too if i don't.... She just randomly said that to me.. Well, Mr Fadli...are YOU UPSET? ARE YOU ANGRY? Well, i'm ready anytime to hear you lecturing me.

Life goes whatever to me now,

Nur Hida Sulaiman, One who's ONLY 1/2 ALIVE.

7:51 PM

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day 25: Will you keep your promise? Stick with me will you?

Dear,

I wasn't well today, throat inflammation, probably my tonsils issues, it's leading me on a roller coaster fever ride and headaches. I only took 1 day MC though, as much as i'm tempted to take 2... i didn't wanna, cause Saturday i won't be working, i've enough free time to rest or whatsoever. Remember i told i had pax issues? So as i though it was solved, it was not... she didn't like the acc that she got... I hope it's been solved, after some time i'm trying to start afresh without your presence, and now when this issue came up, i just start missing you all over again. Now it's twice as hard to pick myself back up, be stronger and start anew. I know i'm bound to make mistakes at work, but i don't really like it, when i'm trying to solve the issue but pax leaves me hanging. Like how you leave me hanging now... I'm sorry i didn't mean to rub it in, but i really just wanna run to your arms now! Only your hugs are comforting to me... I realized how the rest can only numb me or actually in fact how i'm so pretentiously happy with them playing along with them, when all i want to do is punch someone/somethings, cry my heart out, scream my lungs out and get some major distractions that will take up my time & lessen my thoughts of you. But still i should let you know, at the end of the day, all i wanna be..is to be in your arms again. I'm so numb right now. Dear, i really can be strong enough to be with my friends when i need them, but i'm actually thinking is there anyone who's actually stronger than me and still be able to understand me. It's a sad truth. Well, i still love all my friends. But ya.. i was born in this world alone.. i probably should start adapting till you're back to take care of me... that is IF you still got the intentions to do so. I really want you back, i forgot how happiness taste likes, how comforting and safe it was just to be in your arms. Even as days goes by, surprise Dear? This saggitarius is still madly in love with you!!! Even though, cute guys comes and goes, they only manage to get 30 secs of my attentions, other than that it's all back to you and only you. I'm patient for you.. Are you patient there too? OOh..in case...i'm going to start taking my meds...i fear my tonsils getting worse and then end up i've to go for surgery or whatsoever... and i want to take care of myself too...

I wanna be yours as much as you want to be mine.

Loving & Missing You Always,

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

5:55 AM

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day 24: I miss your loving... Times when i really need your warmth...

Dear,

Monday, i had pax issues, i quoted the wrong airfare... i didn't panick, but i got stress out or i felt so stress until a solution was reached.. All i wanted was your nagging at me for daydreaming..and then telling me things will be fine.. At that time all i needed was your advice and encouragement.. But nothing new right? you ain't here... Dear, i don't know...at times..i really block you out of my mind, cause i don't wanna keep missing you 24/7 and then pretend to be all happy.. I'm so tired of pretending, i need a break.. But anyway, don't worry, my pax problem is solved. Probably pax coming down tomorrow to collect the hotel voucher... I miss your loving a lot... Will you be back soon please? take my words for real, when i say i'm going crazy..i really am.. I apologised if as days goes by, my posts gets shorter...cause i manage to make myself so shagged, that i'm just too tired to think/do anything, unless i've plans..thatn i'll be fine..if i'm heading home straight, it's better if i'm shagged. Dear, the usual i went to OG for lunch, there was fish head!!! I was okay at first..until the mak cik ask me... "mane partner awak? tak nak makan kepala ikan?" Do you know how much i wanted to just shut up and walk away, but i pretended to be fine... It's all pretend now.. I need news from you Dear, frankly i'm just worried... Are you fine there? Are you thinking of me? Don't miss me but keep loving me..

I miss your warmth and love,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

7:03 AM

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Day 21: I miss you taking care of my meals...

Dear,

I'm missing you a lot these days, in fact i miss you more and more as days goes by... I miss being happy, i miss being sooo happy with you!!! Today's sunday, it was a lazy day for me, but still went out with Mummy Rango and her BFF, yes Dear, it's 3 pax again... and we did go home late today, think we only reach home at about 9 plus... Can imagine you to keep texting me asking our wherebouts, and what time we intend to go home.. Miss you being worried when i'm out without you, miss your jealousy over me... bluek! Anyway..only went to J8 and then we proceed to Suntec, i kinda shop... though it's just sale... but yea...i tink i bought about 3 new tops & 3 new dresses... heh... err ya... whee?! i was able to distract myself to not think about anything or anyone or even you just by looking @ clothes...trying stuffs on... i think i probably i'm able to get used to shop alone..but not go out alone.. So probably, i'll bring someone to keep me company..then when i enter a shop..i'll abandon them? But then again i don;t like being alone... Though now it's pretty the same..unless i'm home at my own corner...i can be 120% myself...not to have to pretend anymore... smiling here and there...taking it's all fine. I gotta admit though these past few days i'm so tempted to light back a cigarette, but i decided not to.. i don;t wanna. Oh ya..Dear! Forgot to tell you, yesterday my lil cuz shared with me an interesting convo she had with Mummy Rango.. Mummy Rango said "now that ida working ready, nvm..she can have BF...that time sch i said cannot cause i want her to focus on studies, now she work ready, up to her..." i was kinda relieve and glad to find out, how i wish i could give you a call and just say HOORAY! haha, but you ain't here... I wonder if your proposal is ready though? As in NOT marriage proposal but probably your formal presentation first maybe? I'm pretty random and forgetful at times, but i think last week...Cind ask me this question... oh my..i'm SHY! But anyway she asked me...'what IF once you're back to claim me and no longer leave me alone, and YOU decide to PROPOSE to ME? What will my answer be? I'm curious too.. YOU want to know? Claim me back and find out? bluek! But i think you know me best Dear... "i know you want me..you know i want cha!!" then again..like i say..you know roughly what's my plan... YOU still WANT ME right..? Hehe, i don't know what HE has in hold for us, but insyallah we'll find out in time to come. I'm loving you tonight and the rest of the nights...

Your warmth is my addiction,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

9:38 AM

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 20: I've lost track of time... i'm holding on to faith and hope..

Berikan cintamu juga sayangmu
Percaya padaku ku kan menjagamu
Hingga waktu menjemputku

Ku berikan cintaku juga sayangku
Percaya padaku ku kan menjagamu
Hingga waktu menjemputku
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/u/ungu/percaya_padaku.html ]
Saat ku tahu kau akan pergi jauh
Izinkan aku tuk selalu menantimu
Untuk katakan ku ingin dirimu (ingin dirimu)

Agar kau tahu betapa ku terlalu
Mencintaimu aku akan menunggu
Hingga dirimu kembali untukku

Dear,

Can i really trust you to come back? Am i holding on to false hope? I'm not losing faith, it's just that being human, i'll always wonder if i would ever get the ending that i/we want. Or have i been fooled and just expects a miracle... You're stuck in my mind, and my heart always craves for your warmth, it's been really cold lately. I know i didn't update for two days, i tried so hard to fill my days, i really do, cause instead of thinking of you...99.9% of the time, i want to try to cut it down to maybe like 75%, i don't know.. i'm really just wondering if you feel the same, and probably you're wondering too what's on my mind and in my heart, cause for now there's simply no way to let each other know how we really feel. Traces of you is simply conquering my mind, i would always keep you in mind... On friday...i went for a MOVIE DATE with...my..BRO!!! Hehe, i watch Kung Fu Panda with him, ABG wanted to go out for dinner, but told him i can't, and when i told him why..he didn't believe me when i say i'm meeting my bro for dinner.. There's one things he said which i'm not agreeable to though, and in fact, i felt stupid cause i do not know at all of your well-being and at times i admit i do doubt if i ever cross your mind. As time goes, paranoia plays around with my emotions. He said to me, "adik, move on adik, move on sudah..it's not a short duration..." As much as i know it's a long duration, as much as i want to get rid of missing somebody so much, instead of acting 120% strong, when i'm actually only 60% strong, as much as i refuse to answer anybody's questions about you, as much as i want to spill to my gfS & bfS about you, as much as i want to share the happy times i had with you, as much as i want you back, as much as i want to move on in fact... i always thought of the "WHAT IFs", in both a positive and negative way. One thing for sure, if you happen to NOT want me anymore, YES i'll be hurt, but i know for sure, i probably just roll around for a while and then MOVE ON, cause i know how i should NOT to keep someone in mind if he does not treasure me... But if you all this while had the INTENTION to CLAIM ME back and yet i didn't wait, i know how much i'll regret, i know how i'll break into a million pieces. But i guess a huge part of me just want to know how are you and have i ever cross your mind.. Cause i feel as if i'm doing this on my own... it takes 2 hands to clap right? Again probably you're suffering more than me, i'm sorry i i ever doubt you.. again..it's paranoia... Remember how you'll always told me, that it's better to hear things from each other mouth personally, then to hear from others, it's better if we would just be straight with each other about what we feel and keeps NO secrets. Conclusion, the usual, i'm a MESS and i watch Kung Fu Panda 2 with my bro.

Dear, alhamdullilah, i close one Bkk-Pattaya yesterday, i was clear about things, then as more questions being asked, i got the answers... but as more in depth question being asked, even google didn't help.. For a simple transaction a lot of clarification and and doubts had to be answered and cleared. I still have pax queries to answer, i still have two potential clients emails which i've not answered also... Conlusion i spent 1 whole day yesterday, cracking my head, finding answers for 1 Bkk-Pattaya transaction. My athena was a mess as in the remarks..etc...got really weird request.. Then after work, i was a happy girl again, met my mummy, uncle and cuz for dinner. Had dinner at Mad Jack over at town, the whole way reminded me again of YOU, cause i remembered that's where we walk when we went over to REX for the first time with abang.., I had lamb chop and AGAIN i recalled how YOU reminded me to eat with my RIGHT hand.. :P After dinner head to somerset, to walk around..and we just had to be cineleisure, out LAST DINNER DATE & OUR FIRST NEOPRINT, was there...bluek! I feel so dramatic at times... i bought really cheapo earrings at the shoe right outside Pastamania, and then i head up, to buy a VANS shoes, i was tempted to get another pair of heels & bags, but then again i was not in the mood. I'm going NUTS.

At times i feel as if i tried too hard, to just show people that i'm fine & happy, as much as i miss you, i ain't depress. But i don't need people to worry about me, but it will be best if YOU worry about me as that proves i've cross your mind.

ALL I WANT IS YOUR HUGS AND JUST BEING YOURS,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

7:46 PM

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Day 17: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Dear,

I think you will be glad to know that i went home straight after work today!!!! Hehe, think abang wanted to go somewhere...but i said i'm too sleepy..which i really am..was hard to keep my eyes open at work just now. So in the end abang went to meet his gf at tamp! HeHE, ABANG is in love!! ooh... Okay, my fault for going out the past few days and not getting my rest..which is why i'm home early today..to have my adequate rest! Dear, i love you so much noe! You're so cuteee! I was in a rush today, and as usual..hehe..my $$ all over the place...then i wanted to arrange all back in my wallet...and POP...your picture out from my wallet..i was laughing and smiling to myself...you made my day! Even though i'm tired..i still manage to smile through the day! Dear, baby move table ready..i'm over at unit #27 now... someone else is sitting at your place... hmm..jealous? maybe..just a lil..but i still own your heart! so bluek! Dear...baby take your panda ready! hehe...sorry...but the panda cute! I MISS YOU! Ooh..btw...just now your sayang D...ask me..whether i got go see you..even abg ask me..i dont know what to say seh.. then abang was like..."whether you want to go or not..all up to you.." me blue seh Dear...don't know what to say/do... Seems like your syg D knows about us..the way he ask me like soo one kind... But anyway..i miss you! ARE YOU MISSING ME?! i know you miss me..takmo shy! I miss your hugs... i miss someone nagging at me for not keeping my $ properly, miss someone to nag at me to have enough rest, miss someone to keep track of where i am and who i'm with...miss someone feeding me my lunch/meals..miss someone who would would always make me smile...miss having someone to really protect me...miss someone who randomly will massage my shoulder...miss someone..who just would love me so much that at times i'm tempted to just stay the whole day with him! I miss someone's theories on life... i miss someone..who gives me advice..i miss someone who pampers me... i miss you hugging me so tight and refuse to let me go...i miss you telling me that you love me, i miss you telling me that you won't let me go... i miss you reminding me that if it was not for situation we'll probably have our own happy ending. I miss your LOVE Dear,

XOXO,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

6:25 AM

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day 16: What am i suppose to say...

It's actually DAY 17, but its only like 1226 am...

Dear,

I just got home...it's past midnight... i can literally imagine..you telling me to go sleep straight, reminding me that i have to wake up early, and you don't want to be too tired at work...you wanna see me fresh! My bad... Dear, i met my friends today, i miss them so much, it feels weird..as though it just has been that long..but i'm happy. But... they're asking about you... what am i suppose to say? One is even getting excited of meeting you... random right? But yeah...Dear...i really don't know what to do now...i really wish by any means just tell me what to do... I know you trust me...i know you will want me to decide for myself what to do... Whether, it's with regards to work or personal life, you've always been advising me.. Why is that though we've spent such a short time together, we just seem to have that much issues/memories...at least for me.. i'm able to fill you in on the details on what's the usual you would say to me... You've became a habit which i do not want to change..cause you ain't bad. I'm putting a really strong act now...and i really hope it won't be broken anytime soon...cause if it does..it will take twice the time to recover...and the process really hurts... & surprise-surprise Dear, while waiting for my gfs to reach..i actually walk around on my own...and bought bags..for me and mummy rango! i miss shopping with you... miss seeing you go nuts...and so bossy with me...to make sure that you get your stuffs first. Shirl is probably coming back tmr, which means i probably have to change table..so the only empty space left...is your table..so..ya... but the office...the environment... oh my...i don't know if i'm prepared...or actually am strong enough.. Hmm..i think for my own good, i should be probably head to sleep now..or at least try..been having too much late nights past few days.. Everyday i'm hoping for news, pondering if you're fine.

A brave front is all i have,

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

9:24 AM