Dear,
What exactly am i suppose to say now? Even if i want to talk, it's not like you'll fly back here just to have a talk with me. I'm losing myself. Pray hard that i'm not losing my sanity. In the end you're with me right? In the end we want the same things right? I don't mind looking like the bitch, that is people's perception right? But i'll literally stop if you tell me to stop...that is if what you really want. A decision that will make you happy. I need a source of motivation from you. I need you to nag at me. It's a work day tmr, i'm trying to start afresh... But do you think it'll be that easy? Especially when currently, i've no case on my hands. All my case is settled. Now, i need gain new customers and new sales. I need to get started on my sales report too.. you've given me the format..but you didn't exactly guide me through it. Dear, can we keep what we have real? Who will be pushing who away..? Or can we stay or at least can i stay strong even if there's people poking me.... I need news from you, i need to be able to communicate with you with whatsoever method. Frankly, i don't know what's going on... only the fact ..there's you, me and time.
I think i'm strong, or at least i thought i was. What have i landed myself into? One who refuse to risk herself get hurt, but in the end she just walk into a journey that's filled with needles till the end. I'm one who moves on fast, but not when, in the middle there's unresolved issues. I may appear nonchalant, but i'm still too nice & softhearted at times. At times i think maybe i should just appreciate and take in the nice things that happen. But then again, i know i don't deserve it, i should not be selfish. Am i hurting you..? or are you hurting me? I need to fill my time. i really do. Friends, i'm sorry...but i really need you in this period of my life. Can i please call or bug you at random timings...? I need someone to talk to..or at least someone who will bring me out for fresh air. That's the best for me..the best for someone who gets breathless so easily. I'm taking my supplements back, i don't wanna end up physically weak. Even if it's just a meal a day, with my supplements, i won't drop. I need to stay focus on work too. Hoping that i'll no longer lunch alone tomorrow. Not strong enough to do so. I bought a book... a book to take my mind off from thinking too much. I need to get myself back. This time, i know i can't do it alone. I need a lot of nice people who;s nice enough to lend me a hand and pull me up.. as i can bet you...i'll keep falling not caring about the amount of bruises.
"aku tak tahu apa yang ku rasakan
dalam hatiku saat pertama kali
lihat dirimu, melihatmu
seluruh tubuhku terpaku dan membisu
detak jantungku berdebar tak menentu
sepertinya aku tak ingin berlalu"
"Sometimes I cry
Why dont I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should but
Sometimes I dont
Build up the strength to say that its wrong
Sometimes I hate sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurtsometimes I dont
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But its okay I just got to pay (yeah)"
If you want to know what i want. FIRST,
I need you to tell me what you want in a year. I need you to tell me for sure that you will hunt me back. I need you to tell me the truth. I need the sincere truth. I need to know where you will be in a year's time... Just give me the answers and i'll give you mine. My answers will be similar to what i've told you before. But in case, you've something new to tell me and you may intentions of not returning. I'll let you go. As much as you're willing to let me go if i can get better happiness, i'm willing to do so too. I know where's your dreams and goals at. But now i'm not sure if you'll include me in your goals. Dear, you remember saying this... "once i'm done, you will bet i'll make you mine and never leave you again..." & "as for me i will not push or leave you alone, i fear that u'll change cause you've a long way through life...i had enough. i want to actually guide you and let you know whatever you want with my experience and not let you go through and find out the hard way." Being Me...Dear...firstly, you left me alone here ya!! and i'm already going through things the hard way.!!! argg! You're so irritating. When will you ever be able to answer my questions and stop leaving me wondering on my own.
Remember peeps, i'm putting this into mind too...
"Biar orang buat kite, jangan kite buat orang"
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman
