At times it feels like i'm alone. Really alone. Have i not been there for my friends? Have i been the worst of a friend. It really hurts right now. I've difficulty breathing. Things seems normal but out of place. Besides work, after work will there be anything else to occupy me? Will there be anyone who's willing to just keep me company and expect nothing from me? Will i ever find a friend like that? Do i have a friend like that? I may be down right now, i've no choice but to be strong even if it's just me being pretentious.
Dear,
Do you know as much as i want to catch Transformers or even Pirates of the Carribean...i fear of the pain that i would have to go through...memories of you and me. You're really good at leaving traces of you everywhere, i remember you telling me that these traces would act as a warning to the rest of the guys out there to leave me alone as i'm yours. What about now? My heart is like a stone right now...feels really heavy. Till the time comes, and only then will it tells, if i'm yours as much as you're mine. You were always there for me, from the start you're just there, you're a habit which i pick up pretty easily and whom i seem to be addicted to. But now things change. I know i'm complaining too much. But i guess it's my paranoia.
I don't want to land myself in depression, it's not worth it, and it would only make the timeline longer. I don't deserve to pull anyone down with me, i don't need the pity, and i know if YOU ever find out that i'm hurting myself, even though you're far away from me, you will find a way to push me off faster and further just so i'll forget you. Knowing you i know you'll do that.
I'll try to occupy myself. I need company. I can't be left alone, as i do not know what i'll do.
Only Allah right not knows how heavy my heart is. Only HE knows, what my minds is filled with. & so if HE's willing, i hope that he'll give me strength that i need, the strength that he needs, and hopefully we'll overcome our journey.
Pain is essential to me now. As i've appetite for pain than meals. With physical pain, it distracts me a lot.
For you, i'll stay strong, i hope you're doing the same.
Traces of you are everywhere,
I imagine your presences whenever i go,
I get breathless just thinking of you,
I wonder if you feel the same too,
As much i hope to always be in your mind & heart,
I pray hard that you don't feel the same pain as i do,
I'll be strong for you and i'll hope you'll do the same too.
We broke our barriers for each other,
Which could be the main cause of our pain,
But we'll make it worthwhile,
As we would want the ending of this trial,
To be back in each other's arms.
Others may not understand,
Others may judge,
But i'll endure anything for you, if WE would stay strong together,
Soon after, we'll get the ending that we want.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
