Pretentious Smile is the best i have now...(: "Claim me back please..."

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Day 15: I feel so lost, i miss your wise words to me...

Note to Myself:

- Why is it that you're so cool with having just being nice and all smiley around people? How can you do that when you no you're not okay?!

- People will then expect to always see you the smiley & happy girl.-

- I've still to be strong no matter how much i complaint or rant about the things that is going on.

- I'm just being immature now, so seriously..to myself..PLEASE grow UP.

- I should learn how to stand on my own 2 feet,

- No matter how harsh reality is, i gotta just face the music.

Dear,

I'm probably just acting immature now, i need your advice... i'm just simply unhappy with work, probably just unhappy that i have to work 6 days a week, if sales target is not hit. Probably if you're still around, i won't be so upset, cause i'll bet you knock lots of senses into me. I feel like getting another job, many telling me to try stay for a while, get the experience then run away. Even though i'm so tempted...i always keep in mind..at least a year...no matter what a year... You will always have a way...to made me treasure what i have and make good of whatever i have before i get something better. I don't know... but all i know, you'll be able to make me feel much more better... Dear, i've not gotten your cheque yet...Mdm N..hasn't prepared yet? i don't know.. i just feel like it's a sucky tuesday. Btw, just to let you know..you have "Team 110" to keep an eye on me... to make sure that i behave and not looking/making friends with any other Tom, Dick or Harry... Though it's only...Cind who's the president and VIP membership of the club... bluek! I wonder, are you that lovable & popular @ AE..hmm.... i've lots of things on my mind, it's getting really heavy.. i'll be fine.. As long as i'm not alone i'll be fine... Can i be frank with you? I actually do not have the appetite for meals..or i refuse to eat at all...at the most i'll just have something to provide me the energy that will last me for the day... but to stop people from thinking that i'm not okay, and let them know that i'm fine..and normal..i just stuff whatever i could... most times...i would really feel like vomitting all back out.. I miss you feeding me, reminding me to finish my food, and then act all fierce on me..so i'll give in and finish my food. Have i cross your mind today? i hope i did... i miss your pampering... i'm not allowing anyone besides my gf/family to pamper me... One more thing, you'll probably be mad...after work i didn't go home straight, just needed to calm my mind down..so i went NP alone..walk around alone...mPhosis was having sale..so i took a look around alone... just me, myself & i.. i know you don't like me to hang around alone..but i got home by 9? I seriously don't like to be alone..but i just feel like i need to just walk around... and Dear, there was a mini make-up sale! Remember how when we're at taka... you purposely make me walk pass those cosmetics shop..and i will be trying to avoid eye contact at all cost... and you were trying to pull me in... hmm.. I think i'm missing you too much... at least time is passing right. I just want to be near to you, or for now..i just want to be near your heart & soul, therefore please keep me close.

Thoughts of you fills my soul,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

7:03 AM

Monday, May 30, 2011

Day 14, all better & safer with you...

Dear,

Work was so dull today, i'm not sure if it's due to the fact that i was early and i had nothing to do.. but in the end..once after lunch..time pass.. Had lunch..with M...think when it's lunch time..i would call it my "speedo lunch" not sure if it;s due to the lack of topics to talk about... or maybe i'm just being boring... but i finish my meal in 8minutes...just gobbled everything down. When it was lunch with you, time would pass so fast... in fact..everytime when we're together..time will pass us fast...within a blink of an eye..it's another day. I was kinda like...reading through our convoS AGAIN...and AGAIN..i was smiling and giggling to myself... C notice..and she was like..."Eh...what you doing ar?! the last time you smiled like that was when you talking to 110 ar!! who's that you texting?!" Have i not been smiling enough..or just that when i recall memories of us..my smile is different... but in the end..i admit to C that i wasn't texting anyone...was just reading through our past convos. So emo right? Maybe...but memories of us will remain in my heart... Look at the time now..its midnight..i bet you'll be nagging at me right now..if you're here... i think you'll be mad at me..for being home so late! i reach home at about 11, met my gfS @ vivo just now... again..traces of you there...especially zara! Remember..how even when it comes to shopping i'm still your "PA" i had to pick for you, wait for you to try on...and i can't even wander around to look at the ladies section..i had to wait for you to finish trying...till you're done then you'll let me go... You said...settle yours first..then go wandering looking at mine. Hmm..you end up with more shopping bags than me! You're MY pretty boy..therefore it's understandable. I remember how at times..when i pick something..you'll be like.."woah..." just cause too much skin will be shown... and then you'll start saying, "when you're with me then you can wear like that....if not..cover up!" Which reminds me..i bet if you're here today...you'll tell me to wear my blazer and button up! You're so protective at times... but it's aite.. i'm loving it! But who's protecting who now?! I'm basically miss independent now... Dear...i think probably..i'll collect your cheque tmr..and then deposit into your account and then i'll update your bro to inform mother. I may live in my own fantasy world now... but it's probably cause i don't want to assume things on my own... we'll see when the time comes... i do hope for a happy ending...but as much as i can't force things... if you decide..that it wont be the happy ending in my head now..i think i'll be crush..but i'll move on..but for sure...what we had will always stick as a tatoo in my heart. But again i hope for the best...and insyallah..we'll be back together right? Dear, another random issue...with regards to work, there's this new policy when if sales target is not hit...your saturdayS off will be forfeited. So basically if target not hit you work 6 days a week, much is pretty unhappy about it... even mummy telling me to get another better job... cause the sat...wont even be counted as overtime pay or whatsoever. But cause i made a deal with you... 1 year it shall be..i'll be strong and i'll work harder...even if it means working 6days a week... it's okay..at least my time is occupied right? i'm fine...i'm still able to drag myself out of bed..and prepare for work... i wish you were here to advise me... or console me... i know you'll be able to push me for the better and even motivate me...even though i act/respond like i'm lazy and couldn't care less... you'll still push me to work better... shall i say..i miss your wise words/sayings? bluek! i always complain when you nag at me.. but now i miss the nagging. hmm...Dear...i hope you're doing good now... a year will pass fast... at least that;s what people told me..and i'm trying my very best to prove it... till then..you better take good care of yourself please. Behave kay?! Gd boy! Xoxo...! Love you Dear!

Missing you much,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

8:41 AM

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Day 13 - What we had flowed back to me so naturally...

Dear,

This will be totally random, and i think it's a bit cheeky, prasan, shiok-sendiri of me... I'm like in my own wonderland... Today, i followed mummy rango go wedding..as usual.. then the wedding happen to take place at a Community Centre... & guess what naturally pops into my mind? The random convo we had on May 15, the day before you left...and you were sending me home...and we were discussing about a really really random topic... Remember? You randomly said you wonder how's your wedding will be? You were wondering how many people will attend...how many of your bike clan will be there... and then if your clan were making too much noise..how your family of police officers will settle the issue with a snap of the finger in case there was any complaint made... and we were guessing the amount of guests that we have to invite...and you were like no..not much people... and then you turn the topic to me..saying that..bet i will have more guests...due to the fact that i'm the only girl in the family! I then remind you..that you're the oldest son!! bluek! You came up with a simple solution and that it to hold your wedding at a community centre and i went rambling of how small a community centre would be... okay..i feel shy...here i am in my own wonderland in my own world of imaginations..and yet i'm expressing it all out here...but i remembered how long that convo last... i think i got too shy or too excited or in fact too scared... that i concluded..it's still too far away for me...savings hasnt even started yet.. wanted to save so much for school..but have not done so... lol! You were then nagging at me..to start saving..even if it;s $100/mth..better than nothing..in a yr..i'll still get 1 k...after that you started telling me again..to take care of myself..and make sure that i behave.. bla bla bla...bluek! But i am behaving kay.. Wondering if you are..? hmm.. oh ya! Forgot to tell you one thing..yesterday me work right...then s-jiejie oso came..and her bf was waiting for her! hehe..i smiled & laugh to myself! so yea! You're all mine now! bluek! minus 1 admirer for you kay! It's another work day for me, tomorrow, i've been having better sleep...i was able to be able to be tired enough to not think of anything...and just doze off. The usual, i miss you, i miss you taking care of me..& pampering me and paying extra attention to me,,,randomly even though ain't hungry, i'm having maggi cup now...recalled how you will prepare it for me..& keep reminding me that it's hot...when you saw my piggy face...and how hungry i look.. bluek! Conlusion: everything i do everywhere i go..got traces and memories of you. bluek! But i still think at least you'll be glad to know that i'm behaving okay...! Dear, it's abang's birthday tmr! He's taking leave till tuesday though, hmm...i don;t know what to get/prepare for him.. but i guess i'll figure something out. Okay, i've been googling..i don't know what;s wrong with me..but i think you're be able to be back by feb right? or end of this year...i tink feb though? but if it;s end of this yr i'll be more than ECSTATIC!!! But that is if you;ve been behaving...if not.. i don;t know..i don;t want to give myself false hopes niway... though i really wonder if you will actually be back for me...i'll keep pondering and i guess i will only know when the time comes... take care please.

i realised a ___ truth today. habit is back. remember..please..remember..

at times, i feel as if i laid myself out on the chopping board for yall to happily chop me up into pieces... a few whom i need to be there for, i will. i realised and learn who is who actually.

A reminder...not to be taken for granted.

Missing your hugs as usual,

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

4:30 AM

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Day 12: No, you don't know how i feel or how much i miss you now.

Dear,

I miss your company, i really do... I went to work today, i didn't had much to do, so i read through our previous convos, and i smiled to myself.. i miss you telling me to take care of myself, have enough sleep, get up early for work... and not staying out too late... When i'm down or sad, you'll get work up and you will expect me to tell you, which i would, cause i don't wanna ever keep anything from you. I went for early lunch today with your ms C (your admirer), & she ask me where you go? All i said was that you're on long leave... then she ask me again..so he's coming back...? and i just nod in agreement.. then randomly she say.. "he's getting married ar...? long leave..." my jaw drop..and obviously i said NO! the least you could do before you got married is give me a warmth hug right! Okie....no..Dear, don't dump me..pls. i need you more than ever. Ppl over @ AE will randomly come asking me..where you..when you will be back? I'm keeping strong as a facade...in office..i can smile and laugh as usual.. But do you know how i am inside? I'm fine on my own, but i'll be better with you... You're the one who i can just randomly rant to anytime i want. You're the only one i want to be dependent on.. allow me to do so please.. till you're back or till you decide to actually consider and remember to claim me back.. i'm on my own. Literally on my own. I want to go out, i want to have fun & every single time i remind myself, how it would be nice to have you beside me, looking out for me..taking care of me no matter how clumsy i am..i'll still be able to count on you to pull me back up. I need you so much. I've stop the tears from flowing, my heart is stoned/numb...but it's so numb that it actually hurts more than ever. I wonder if you're thinking/missing me too.. I need to know what you're up to now... please.. i don't know how to put it in words, but it'll just be better if you'll be back soon... i'm waiting and crave to be back into your arms please... For now, you take care please.

Times when you realise, only you understand yourself..

When you want to put into words, nobody lays the board out..

So i'm keeping my scrabble letters to myself.

I'll be strong even if it's just for my own sake.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

7:20 AM

Friday, May 27, 2011

Day 11, Missing you much? Missing you lots!

Dear,

How weird is it when from monday to thursday i look so forward to friday, but when it's finally friday..i feel so down instead. I MISS YOU!!! I miss you bringing me out, anywhere i want to go, you'll bring me & you said you'll do anything and go anywhere with me and for me... You'll never leave me bored, you'll keep me company and then send me home... Even though i didn't manage to always entertain you when you are bored, you'll always entertain me... you'll try to cheer me up... even if it's just going for dinner after work...i love it so much cause i have you as my company. I wanna watch a movie so bad, but you're not here to bring me out, you're not here to bring me to shop, you're not here to drag me along with you to shop... you're not here to have my meals with me. Speaking of meals, now when i have company around me i'll just stuff whatever to fill my stomach, but when i'm alone i don't think i'll do the same. You get what i mean? I miss you checking on me when i'm out... even when i'm out with mummy, you'll still check on me...asking me why i'm not home yet...where am i exactly...who am i with...even when it's not even 8, you'll still check on me asking me why i'm not home yet... I miss you continuously texting me asking me why i'm not replying....i miss you so much. Remember how we say we as Saggitarius has this stubborn or kinda cool personality, where we won't be obsessive over our partner...but somehow..we got so obsessive and possessive with each other, when i went home alone...you told me to zip up my jacket and make sure that i go home straight, when i'm out with my mum to cwp, you say there got many-many the same race..then later people will smile-smile and look at me... i don't mind reporting to you...letting you know where i'm going or where i've been and who i am with... I'll get jealous over the ladies surrounding you... especially those that purposely gets close to you... We used to play that jealousy game so much that it reaches the point when i got really upset... But you'll always give me your attention... I really miss your company... I'm so dependent on you. Besides you, i don't know else to turn to... Abang's birthday is on Monday... i ready told him yesterday then i'm meeting my friend today... then he step-majuk and say "i don't care..my birthday you follow me go out! i wana go drink..." i think you can imagine the way he talk... felt bad though..usually..this time of mth..especially on fridays..we'll always go out with abang...go eat.... Dear, you'll be happy to know that indirectly even abang is looking out for me on your behalf! Before i met my friend..he told me to cover up..and zip up my jacket...Cinderella is keeping an eye on me too! She won't let me stare or look at any cute guys for too long..she'll turn to me..and say.."hey! i tell 110 ar...!" Dear....AE loves you lots...you've wonderful colleagues... Dear, i've kinda sort my thoughts out for now.. i think i'll stay at AE for max 2 years..then probably after that i may intend to turn to the hotel line. I told Cind that probably if god willings...insyallah when you;re back..a few mths after..i'll be leaving AE soon after that.. i really wish you could hear my thoughts out now..and tell me and give me words of encouragement. You;re the only one who went all out for me...giving me the attention that i need...

i'm down...i'm trying to fill my days up especially the wk-ends... but it's so difficult to get company.. thinking if a new activity would help. i need a talk...i just nd someone who'll listen and then flush out whatever emo thoughts i've said out.... led me thinking have i been a good company/listening ear to anyone... or wasn't i not good/sincere enough that i'm not able to get the same company... i'm done. i ain't forcing... even if the world turns their back on me... i still gotta keep myself happy..even if everything is just a facade... The part where i hate most about me...i can;t be alone..or left alone..i hate the sucky feeling.

keeping myself on track..no matter what i still have to be strong when my friends need me.. i need them to cheer up..before i could. I really know how you feel now..i really...reallly do..

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

8:39 AM

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 9, how are you?

Dear,

How are you? I'm still alive...i'm not weak, neither am i strong, but good enough to live on...Didn't do much at work today, transferred calls as usual..mostly were enquring about Hong Kong & Vietnam.. i can't do any of the above..at least not yet?I feel so *%#*, cause i don't know how are you now...when exactly you will be returning etc... S-jiejie, came and ask me when you will be back, and all i could say was.."in a year's time?" then she was like.."are you suree..not earlier..should be end of this yr what..."... what was i suppose to say... i really have no idea. I want to know when you will return too.. but till now no news. I don't want to be that irritating lady who keeps interrupting your bro everyday expecting a new update. But anyway S-jiejie was like..when you're back...WE go makan...together with you and a bunch of AE colleagues too.. I don't know why but i felt so touch and so sweet of her..planning a year in advance? But then it remind me again, of how little i know what's going on with you now... Ms Cinderella heard our convo..and she was like.."yea!!...ask me along also...i wanna see you both reunite...!" Which led me thinking and wondering..that would be really nice... but then again..will you remember to claim me back? All i told her was that...that will be in a year's time... if god willings - insyallah we will be back together... I want that happy ending..will you be with me in that happy ending? I'm staying at AE... used to be just because of you...but now for my own sake i want to stay and learn too.. I hope i'll stay in your heart and mind...

Missing you much Dear...xoxo!

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

5:52 AM

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I'm living with a cold heart...

Dear,

I'm only updating this blog, writing this blog, cause you ain't here to listen to my rambling. So, i'm just pretending you're actually here to listen but not being able to persuade and console me. I went lunch with Maryan & Cally today...surprise? Yeah...we went to the coffeshop behind OG...as usual i went to the malay stall... and guess..what...the mak cik...asked why i only order 1 plate of rice instead of 2... it's a simple question..but guess how emotional i got about it? I leave it to your guess... but it was till the extend...every bite i took was force down my own throat...i didn;t wanna talk..so i just gobbled up when i sat back with M & C... and they did asked me about YOU...and all i could say was that you're on a lonnnnngggg leave, and you won't be coming back any time soon. I felt really bad today...as i feel as if i took Z's customer away... i don;t know... but it doesn't matter..you're not here to advice me.... that's how sucky i feel.. There's so much i want you to clarify with me ...but you just ain't there to do so.. i'm doubting myself..i really...am... i remembered you told me on the 16..that you left home in such a rush..that you forgot to bring lots of things...but you brought at least you brought your passport..and in your passport cover..had our neoprints... I was so glad..you brought them...and it's leaving me thinking and hoping that you'll actually return for me... But i want to know now for sure..due to recent events... i need facts from you. It's day 9, only 356 days left. I'm now doubting you, but i just want to know for sure you'll return... Did you sign up for me my GTA even though i've not started/learn how to use it yet, cause you cared and wanted to lessen my burden..or get me prepared or whatsoever... Did you actually got me the insurance pillow..cause i reminded you of that promise..or you just wanted to do it for the sake of doing it... Why did u pass me your notebook? Just so after carrying and settling you last deals...you leave the details inside... The feeling really sux right now...really does... i remembered most things you said.. i behave myself...i took care of myself..even thought it's only a meal a day...be thankful that i'm still strong... what else you want from me? You ain't here to take care of me..you ain't here to feed me, you ain't here to nag at me, you ain't here to advise me, you ain't here to console me, you just ain't here. I know probably i'm not considering how you feel now... i apologise for that...but i'm not able to shower you with my love and vice versa..so all i know how to do..is complain.... Forgive me, i didn't do it with any ill intentions. PS: Dear, this is really random, but i got this CNX customer..the one i was so worried about..cause he wanted a bargain price..is actually nice..and after he collect hotel voucher...he still can ask me sincerely whether i want anything from there..any souvenirs...etc... He's there now..will be back by end of this week i think? i hope he had a smooth trip there...

Dear, nothing new..but i miss you...i'll miss you everyday in fact... i'm not getting news from your bro yet..so hopefully insya-allah..he'll get back to me... Even if it's just you telling me to be strong...it will last me..yes i'll be greedy for more...but at the end of the day..i'm back to thinking of you. Oooh...ya..by now you notice that we got our name cards ready right? Guess who ABG gave his first name card too..? S-JIEJIE!!! Random right..but yea... i gave mine to mummy..jakun! haha..but my jakun lasted only 10secs.. i thought if they prepared yours..i wanted to steal a few...but they didn't :(. Your seat is still empty... as much as i'm worried they move me again... as much as i adore..you..i literally do not want to get your seat in that office..i don't know how i'll survive... it's like a dog eat dog world in that office.. i maybe exaggerating...but yea! Today...i had last min customer...then when i doing Athena..i was so sleepy..can't think... Cinderella was staring at me..my quotation was right..just that...i was so slow in doing things..she was poking me and telling..me "don't tell me you forget ar..." which i kinda did...oopsy...haha...i tink everyday must get customer then i'll get used to doing Athena..probably i'm putting so much pressure on myself cause i know it's a LIVE system..so i rather have eyes watching my booking..NOT ME..but my booking... even after the customer left...and handing up the invoice etc...i was still staring at the athena booking... staring at it...and just staring at it... but alhamdullilah..it was a smooth process..i think! Only gotta wait for hotel confirmation.

I may be at my weakest moment now, but i'm still trying to make amends... but me giving in does not mean i'll bow to you...got it?

I've a heart that's literally frozen...and only entry to family & friends.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

6:45 AM

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I wanna play fair..i deserve to LOL too right?

Dear,

I need a stepping stone...a stepping stone..to get used to living life without you. You're not able to be here for me, and i can't be there for you. I'm not giving up on us, don't misunderstand me...i'm really not. I'll wait..insya-allah i'll wait... I just need to "refresh" myself... forgetting temporarily what we had.. but i still behave... That's what i promise you, so i will..i will behave. I'm in so much pain that no one knows..no one is able to put themselves in my shoes... i ate a meal a day...if i'm home..i don't eat at all.. but i try to eat a bit..cause i know i can't collapse..not in front of people. As all they need to know is that i'm still strong...and i'm fine. I can force myself to eat a bit..but then that's my limit. Lunching alone today..actually...lunching itself...brings back traces of you..even at work..i avoid looking at the phone unnecessarily..as i know "110" will nvr intercom my fon again..even if it does..it's not YOU... i don't know how to survive now..only way..is for me to think of you only once in a while..that's all.. but i'll always remember that no matter what...the status may just be a status..but i still wanna wait for you..if you want to dump me in a yr's time..i gotta accept right? But till then...i'm yours as much as you're mine... MY HEART IS NUMB.

I've so much in my mind..but you ain't here to listen. I miss you... i really do... do you miss me as much? Which is why..till then...in a year's time..will i then mumble at you...and ask you as much qns as i want. argg! you know what...i don't know what;s going on! but i miss my own smiles and laughters...i'm so sick of being down. do you even know how sick i am now?!!! YOU AIN'T HERE FOR ME! So till..you're back..i'll be me...own by you...but im still me.. i'll behave for sure... till then.. IF i have to break down ever again..it will be the day you decide to dump me in a yr..kay.. I don't know what's your situation now... i don't know...but one thing for sure..i knw you're numb too.. cause if you all emo..you'll go crazy..so don;t..numb yourself till next yr kay..

I need a friend right now... i need yall so bad. I don't wanna see any of you get hurt, cause i'll get twice as mad than usual. and i mean it this time. I'm trying to fix every broken friendship i have..i wanna get it right... if any assholes or idiots come near my friends with intention of fooling around.. i'll be there..i'll be around to crush you.

i'm soo...i've reach the pt where no words will decribe how i feel..and what's inside of me..

i'm guilty towards you...i wanna make things right..not in having what we had..but a friend...a real friend...let me in pls..

I'm frigging lost now. Shucks. Sucks. Don't be in my shoes.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

5:54 AM

Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 7

Dear,

It's Day 7... how am i surviving? Like that... I don't know how long i can do this...when can i actually have news of you? i feel like giving up.... I'm so hurt, i'm hurt by the fact that you're not here when i need you too... I told you i will need words of motivation from you yourself. If not i don't know what i'll do. Even if i fall sick will you fly to me? Though i know you can't. You know how much it hurts to stand alone. I know i may be selfish only thinking of myself. Probably you're hurting too...or probably you're way too numb there. If you are completely numb, good for you. You don't feel the same pain as i do. I lost my capability to be numb. Today again, mummy cook your favorite. "Ayam Lemak"... I've no appetite, none at all. Anyway Dear, today one of your customer called...think only wanted a quotation, she wanted go Redang...i don't know how to quote redang..i tried..to quote..but i still not sure..going to ask jiejie before getting back to her tomorrow. .. You only left a note teaching me how to quote Bintan..not Redang... I've so much to ask and tell you, but do you actually care? When ....when...? I refuse to suffer, but at the same time..i'm not able to make myself happy. I'm reaching the point when i'm not gonna care at all. A point when whatever happens..happens. I don't give a shit no more. How long can i go emo? I've no idea...emo ain't me. I just need news from you please. Are you willing to let me go even though i'm not? Going nuts. Literally am.

Time was a friend today. Thank god, alhamdullilah i've had a good day, and i hope for better ones coming. I hope work will be more smooth for me.. i may complaint a lot...but i'm still thankful for my life.. i'll my very best to no longer hurt anyone..

Random thought for me...how is that..when i've got something good..i fail to treasure it...i want more... and when i got more even though i know it's for a short while..all i want is something simple.

I love to hurt myself? maybe? i don't deserve happiness? maybe? i cause my own misery...

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

5:28 AM

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Ending of Day 6

Dear,

What exactly am i suppose to say now? Even if i want to talk, it's not like you'll fly back here just to have a talk with me. I'm losing myself. Pray hard that i'm not losing my sanity. In the end you're with me right? In the end we want the same things right? I don't mind looking like the bitch, that is people's perception right? But i'll literally stop if you tell me to stop...that is if what you really want. A decision that will make you happy. I need a source of motivation from you. I need you to nag at me. It's a work day tmr, i'm trying to start afresh... But do you think it'll be that easy? Especially when currently, i've no case on my hands. All my case is settled. Now, i need gain new customers and new sales. I need to get started on my sales report too.. you've given me the format..but you didn't exactly guide me through it. Dear, can we keep what we have real? Who will be pushing who away..? Or can we stay or at least can i stay strong even if there's people poking me.... I need news from you, i need to be able to communicate with you with whatsoever method. Frankly, i don't know what's going on... only the fact ..there's you, me and time.

I think i'm strong, or at least i thought i was. What have i landed myself into? One who refuse to risk herself get hurt, but in the end she just walk into a journey that's filled with needles till the end. I'm one who moves on fast, but not when, in the middle there's unresolved issues. I may appear nonchalant, but i'm still too nice & softhearted at times. At times i think maybe i should just appreciate and take in the nice things that happen. But then again, i know i don't deserve it, i should not be selfish. Am i hurting you..? or are you hurting me? I need to fill my time. i really do. Friends, i'm sorry...but i really need you in this period of my life. Can i please call or bug you at random timings...? I need someone to talk to..or at least someone who will bring me out for fresh air. That's the best for me..the best for someone who gets breathless so easily. I'm taking my supplements back, i don't wanna end up physically weak. Even if it's just a meal a day, with my supplements, i won't drop. I need to stay focus on work too. Hoping that i'll no longer lunch alone tomorrow. Not strong enough to do so. I bought a book... a book to take my mind off from thinking too much. I need to get myself back. This time, i know i can't do it alone. I need a lot of nice people who;s nice enough to lend me a hand and pull me up.. as i can bet you...i'll keep falling not caring about the amount of bruises.

"aku tak tahu apa yang ku rasakan
dalam hatiku saat pertama kali
lihat dirimu, melihatmu
seluruh tubuhku terpaku dan membisu
detak jantungku berdebar tak menentu
sepertinya aku tak ingin berlalu"

"Sometimes I cry
Why dont I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should but
Sometimes I dont
Build up the strength to say that its wrong
Sometimes I hate sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurtsometimes I dont
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But its okay I just got to pay (yeah)"

If you want to know what i want. FIRST,
I need you to tell me what you want in a year. I need you to tell me for sure that you will hunt me back. I need you to tell me the truth. I need the sincere truth. I need to know where you will be in a year's time... Just give me the answers and i'll give you mine. My answers will be similar to what i've told you before. But in case, you've something new to tell me and you may intentions of not returning. I'll let you go. As much as you're willing to let me go if i can get better happiness, i'm willing to do so too. I know where's your dreams and goals at. But now i'm not sure if you'll include me in your goals. Dear, you remember saying this... "once i'm done, you will bet i'll make you mine and never leave you again..." & "as for me i will not push or leave you alone, i fear that u'll change cause you've a long way through life...i had enough. i want to actually guide you and let you know whatever you want with my experience and not let you go through and find out the hard way." Being Me...Dear...firstly, you left me alone here ya!! and i'm already going through things the hard way.!!! argg! You're so irritating. When will you ever be able to answer my questions and stop leaving me wondering on my own.

Remember peeps, i'm putting this into mind too...
"Biar orang buat kite, jangan kite buat orang"

Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman

6:36 AM

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Here's a true fact about me...

Frankly Dear, from so much things to say to you, i'm so emotionally stoned now, that i only want to ask you that few questions..than i'll be done. & will just inform you that AE's doors will always be open to you...just in case you wanna u-turn back into AE. But till that day...i will not decide things, as not only it will be unfair, but un-fun too. Remember how similar we can be, our strength & weaknesses can be pretty similar.

A true fact,

the more a person wants to be a bitch to me, i won't really react...depends on situation though, but i love it when you're the bitch and i'll just smile...cause in the end i'm a better bitch.. He WAS yours, he WAS your ex, okie..so i rampas your EX? Makes sense? So i wonder how many guys are already EX-es...so i though only married guys can't be touch..so what you mean is EX-es also cannot touch..so in YOUR world, everyone only has one love? I'm lost...doesn't matter...it's YOUR retarded world, NOT mine. You said i'm a minah who rampas kebahagiaan orang...? First takmo step phm... I know lah you Gadis Melayu kan..sorry eh kak, sape lah adik only..minah kan...

Dear,

I'm upset over the thing(s) that you actually forgot to tell me or what?! You know you'll leave me with your traces, and it will really be best if you could told me if it has link with any of your memorable past. Now they're after me..not literally, but it sure be hell lots of fun for them to see me in pain. So i'm not giving it to them... They wanna see me in pain..? Tell them the only pain they'll see is when i'm in hell! Thanx eh Dear, you left me with the best gifts, i'm a simple gurl who has no haters, but you left me with a bunch of haters. But trust me, even if they find me..go ahead...but if they lay a hand on me, i'm not nice, i won't react...but they'll see where they'll end up... I'm being strong for my parents..you know that! As much it is for you too... it will be best if you could leave your life's biography with me. With a reference page attached, so i can filter out my possible haters. You've a lot to answer to me. Got it? Till then, you take care.

i'm emotionally stoned, so hate me all you want. You think i deserve it then..sure...i do. i just happen to fall in love with the guy that you happen to fall in love too... so..my bad..hate..really hate me over a guy.. seriously...why not start the drama once he has settled his issues... i'll literally let you have a word with him...and if you still wanna hate me go ahead. but remember...you can't force his way... i feel so old lah for this shit... babe...we're like similar age... if you hate me...then go ahead...i also don't know want to say what or do what...if i wanna apologise..i don't know for what...and it's not like even if i do so..you'll accept my apology with a smile. I'm an easy going person...but at times..the more you try to hurt me...the more cheerful i can be? i'm not sure if that's the right word...but it's like a source of strength. i'm a no born hater..so i won't know... i may be small and may not be able to fight you back..i may now know as much ABANGs as you..but in the end...yea...it's all up to you.. I know you got you other beloveds Sis of Gadis Melayu supporting you..good for you... take care..sis...

Signing off,

Nur Hida

7:51 PM

Day 5 Part II - Ending...

Dear,

Guess who added me on facebook? Your dearly beloved ms neighbour at ghim moh. What does she want from me? Give you away..? You're not even here with me... What does she want? Frankly, i'm down enough, she does not have to be a bitch...cause i'll be the better bitch. I mean can't she wait till you're back then start her drama, what can i do for her...? Give her your pictures? Oh wait..she won't need me for that, she's your neighbour...she can just go knocking on your door. I don't know...arggg! She didn't affect me but it's just that i'm really down now...and then she comes popping out...when will YOU be popping back to me?! Tomorrow is Sunday...and frankly i'm trying to avoid Monday, i don't know how to face work... frankly..i would feel just like cabbing to and fro, so i don't have to meet anyone..talk to anyone and face anyone..all i wanna do is go to work and be back home. This is how fragile i am without you. I know i started the day by being strong and all... but this "strong" act ends now..for today.. Is this how it's gonna be? Strong at the start then fall back on my knees at the end of the day.... How many times do i have to fall? Should i really be filled with bruises then i'll be really happy.... WHY? WHY ME? WHY YOU? WHY US? WHY NOW? WHY NOT BEFORE I MET YOU? Dear...i'm sorry..i complaint too much..I'M SORRY REALLY AM... i always tend to ignore people's feelings and only care about my own and happily shoot my mouth all just cause i'm in a bad mood. I know probably you yourself don't feel good now... As much as i wanna complaint on and on... at the same time, i don't want to get you worried over me... But i need somethings from you to be strong... i need you to tell me to be strong. Please... Ya allah....may he be in a good place, may his journey be a smooth one...forgive him if he's been bad..but i know he's change...a different person from who he was from the past. Ya allah, give me the strength please... Ya allah, i'm willing to go through this trial..and i think so does he...but give us the strength to go through this too... Dear, please don't push me away, not now..not ever..please... I know how at times you think, it will be better for me..if you push me away..guess what...I WON'T BE BETTER WITHOUT YOU... so if you want me fine...if you want me happy...DON'T PUSH ME AWAY.

Okay, i'm done being the emotional female...time to tell you something funny, hehe, just now me follow my mummy go my cuz house...and yipee..my slipper broke! Dear..my slipper broke...and then when going home..i just walk bare-footed cross the traffic light to the bus stop..YEAP..I WALK BARE FOOTED..macam kat kampung gitu...haha! But i hope nobody took pic and place it in stomp lah... shy noeee! Then me mummy still wanna go Chong Pang, cause there got Pasar Malam, so she want to buy Ramly Burger for my bro..then with my broken slipper i walk like some retard...and surprisingly...i had to walk a distance before i found a shop that actually sold slippers! Haizz...what a day..for me... But at the end of the day..only you know what affects me most... at the end of the day, i'm still worried about you. But just to let you know...i've been good, and i am kinda taking care of myself. So please give me any form of news about you soon. I need to know... i really do. I'm going nuts.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

5:22 AM

Friday, May 20, 2011

Day 5: Finally had a good sleep, i hope you did too..

Dear,

Remember how i always like to google the different accommodations that we offer and then i told you Cinderella told me to find out this resort in Phillipines, a resort that's so beautiful and it's only in asia! The moment i saw the pictures, i intercom you and told you to google it ASAP! You spoilt my moment at first saying sarcastically to me saying why would i wanna go to "Peace Island" sounds like some graveyard when actually the resort's name is AmanPulo! I got upset cause i was so delighted when i saw the place... But in the end you cheered me up, cause you say we'll go together one day, once you've settled your issues and once i'm more grown up?! LOL. So..like how you remember the things that i've said, i am keeping in mind what you told me too... When you're back i want you to pamper me a lot! YOU OWE ME!

I'm just wondering though...Dear..which part of the world are you exactly at now?! I'm here and you're somewhere there... So once you're done there, come back here...claim me back...then the next time you wanna go anywhere else..bring me along! But remember to get permission from Haji Daddy Cool & Hajah Mummy Rango! I sincerely hope after all this, we'll have a better happy ending... and we'll be like any other lovers, having our own typical fights and quarrels... The truth though, i don't know what will happen in a year's time or after that... but i think we'll get the answers only when we finally get to face each other... So now i'm not going to assume things and dump you like that..i'll wait.. Remember how you were always mad and get so upset when i say you would dump me..and you keep emphasizing..it's the situation that will dump us! I know you want the best of me...i know you told me..if i found someone better you told me to take a step forward... You told be before that as long as i'm happy ...you're willing to take a step back...actually knowing you...you don;t even mind running away from me..as long as i'm happy right!! You're so selfish at times! Bluek! Guess what...i've join the obsessive club too! Ain't gonna let you run.i'll chase after..got it?! Just wanted to tell you, i'm stronger now..really am...are you?! You better be... Speaking of obsessive, i miss you being so protective over me.. i remember how much i had to console you and convince you that..... bluek!

As usual i'm in my own world, feeling-feeling kay..haha...so ya...whee..after so long i finally had a good sleep. My heart ain't clear but at least my mind is and that's all i need. There's so many things in my head that i want to do...just to fill up my time..but will i actually do it? i've no idea at all... One thing for sure, i need more than work to fill my time... hmm... i need partner in crimes for that... Cause i am a weakling that can't be a loner nor do things alone... In fact now i think i would need a lunch date during work...i can't bear eating alone especially when MR FBI left his traces all along...

Some would say time flies,

Some would say it's a long duration,

What i would say is that it's a journey,

I expect the best,

But if outcome is meant to be of another way, then it's my fate,

I'll accept and move on,

Insya-allah, i'll be there for you as much as you need me too...

Even if it's just being there spiritually, i'll be content too..

I'll be strong for you,

So i need you to be strong too.

Till we get back in communication,

Don't disappoint me,

We're under the same sku, the same clouds,

So whenever i miss you, i'll just look up and say...

I love you...

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

8:24 PM

I'll cheer up...

Dear,

Remembered how we'll always compared ourselves to the rest of the horoscope? Then in the end we seem to change each other like a lot! I was chatting with my darl gf today...her name is Ain anyway... I recalled suddenly how you hate me keep saying...friend and gf..you'll rather i say the name as you felt as if i had too many friends! Anyway we chatting roughly about the same thing..and i did say..Saggitarius are good lover...so you better be good and claim me back when the time is right! Got it?!!! I know, i shall behave too... & oh haha..guess what..she thinks you're 40!!! haha...first time seh Dear! bluek! & oh..she did say..if you don't claim me back...you're a dead meat...she's a scorpio!! so ya...as much as i know you can react..remember mess wif my gf and you mess with me... i can be a monster too! hehehehehe! I got news from your brother today, wasn't really news but at least i know something right?!! I'm patient, so you better be too...

I've actually literally counted the days left...it's really unhealthy for me. But i keep telling myself, yeah! A day gone..a day closer! But you will know which days along the way will affect me most. I need to cheer up... i need fresh air... as much as work will occupy me..i need more than that? I actually ask my bro out for a movie on some weekend in june!! See how much you spoilt me? I can't stay home... but i behave when i'm out... remember how you'll always paranoid when i'm out?! Fearing that i'll be playful... But think if i was or if i wanted to be...you would know? Cause you'll always read my mind!! Remember this line Dear...? "The players may change but the game stays the same" This always stick to our mind... which is why you ain't sure of me. I always remember what's in your diary or "bible" yes..it's a long duration till... But till then ...like you said...it's all up to HIM right?! But till then we shall continue in our faith for each other?! I've said before my heart feels really heavy and it's all numb and pretty stone right now... But maybe i should stop complaining about my own pain, cause you're probably suffering the same too.. which made me realise..i don't want you to be in pain! I don't want to be put in pain too cause i realise how much it will affect you! I'll be stronger as the days get by... i may fall...but i'll pick myself up... I've said before...i'm a proud saggitarius! I'm not gonna let myself be so fragile..even if i am...i won't let anybody hurt me! So Dear...till you claim me back..i'm gonna be selfish and spread my love only to my friends... so if you want a piece of it...you know what to do! xoxo! Distance makes the heart grows fonder?!! HELL..IT'S PAINFUL...but if it's the trial for us..then let's take a tralala walk along till the end... hmm...i think if i start writing to you..you'll probably think i'm long-winded! But too bad..you know you are too! Bluek! I'm glad i took time off from work...even if it;s MC... but i think there's a reason why Doc gave me antibiotics?! But boo..not gonna take it! But if my health still ain't good then i'll consider for checkup and treatment! I fear Monday, the day when i'll be back at work..i fear if i'll be weak again... i fear seeing "110" on my office phone...i fear how it may hurt... As much as i get back up easily..i fall easily... i'm going to try though cause no matter how much it hurts... i'll always remember my side of the deal..so you better too! PS: i hope you won't be mad that i didn't took over your Bali's case... I was so fragile...i pretended on the first day..to be fine..but i needed time to be fragile too.. Frankly..i wanna run off on a holiday! But bluek! I want you to take me on a holiday instead! YOU OWE ME! Okay, i should stop rambling...hehe..i think if i start writing a letter...it will be pages?!

Okay it's not time yet... but i actually miss your ramblings too! Like i'll always say..Keep loving me & love me more! got it?!

Okay my bad...i know everyone can read..but yea..i'm in my own world now..so bluek!

I may not be stable..but i'm still dependable..insya-allah!

Till then..take care!

I;ve got a date...for transformers?..i think...now i need pirates of the carribean and kung fu panda? come come..don't shy! Expect no more than a friendly company..be warned! I'm friendly...but overstep and i'll bite!

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

7:25 AM

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Can i depend on anyone right now?

At times it feels like i'm alone. Really alone. Have i not been there for my friends? Have i been the worst of a friend. It really hurts right now. I've difficulty breathing. Things seems normal but out of place. Besides work, after work will there be anything else to occupy me? Will there be anyone who's willing to just keep me company and expect nothing from me? Will i ever find a friend like that? Do i have a friend like that? I may be down right now, i've no choice but to be strong even if it's just me being pretentious.

Dear,

Do you know as much as i want to catch Transformers or even Pirates of the Carribean...i fear of the pain that i would have to go through...memories of you and me. You're really good at leaving traces of you everywhere, i remember you telling me that these traces would act as a warning to the rest of the guys out there to leave me alone as i'm yours. What about now? My heart is like a stone right now...feels really heavy. Till the time comes, and only then will it tells, if i'm yours as much as you're mine. You were always there for me, from the start you're just there, you're a habit which i pick up pretty easily and whom i seem to be addicted to. But now things change. I know i'm complaining too much. But i guess it's my paranoia.

I don't want to land myself in depression, it's not worth it, and it would only make the timeline longer. I don't deserve to pull anyone down with me, i don't need the pity, and i know if YOU ever find out that i'm hurting myself, even though you're far away from me, you will find a way to push me off faster and further just so i'll forget you. Knowing you i know you'll do that.

I'll try to occupy myself. I need company. I can't be left alone, as i do not know what i'll do.

Only Allah right not knows how heavy my heart is. Only HE knows, what my minds is filled with. & so if HE's willing, i hope that he'll give me strength that i need, the strength that he needs, and hopefully we'll overcome our journey.

Pain is essential to me now. As i've appetite for pain than meals. With physical pain, it distracts me a lot.

For you, i'll stay strong, i hope you're doing the same.

Traces of you are everywhere,

I imagine your presences whenever i go,

I get breathless just thinking of you,

I wonder if you feel the same too,

As much i hope to always be in your mind & heart,

I pray hard that you don't feel the same pain as i do,

I'll be strong for you and i'll hope you'll do the same too.

We broke our barriers for each other,

Which could be the main cause of our pain,

But we'll make it worthwhile,

As we would want the ending of this trial,

To be back in each other's arms.

Others may not understand,

Others may judge,

But i'll endure anything for you, if WE would stay strong together,

Soon after, we'll get the ending that we want.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

11:19 PM

Paranoia getting over me...

I've called a source in trying to know where you are... but she's not very useful...not a single bit. So all i can do now is to await news from your brother. I'm going nuts. I literally have difficulty breathing now. I though i woke up stronger, but guess what i drop on my knees all over again.

I'm trying to no longer let my tears flow, but my hears won't stop aching. One thing for sure, my heart is numb, numb to anything else but you. For my own good, i think i'm not going to collect your jacket from the office, i think i'll leave it till Monday.

Dear, you wanna know something? I'm letting paranoid get over me. Am i just too weak till i've turn to find any single reason to stop me from missing you. I'm going to try to be as strong as you are. PS: Today my mum cooked your favorite... i can just imagine your jealousy right now... But till we get into proper contact again.. i won't stop missing you.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

8:09 PM

I'm trying to be strong for you...

Dear,

I think i'm turning numb soon, numb to anything else but you. I'm not forgetting you and i've no intention to do so. I've so much to tell you...and it's only day 3. Remember you told me to be good and not be naughty? I told Cinderella that, and she agreed with you..she told me to be good..and she says she too will keep her eye on me to make sure that no other Tom, Dick or Harry come my way! One more thing you'll be thrill to know that she think we're the same age! BTW she still wants an invite to our wedding, insya-allah, haha...she's like paving the future for us. I remember the day when abang ask you, "when nak nikah?" and you stared at me...but you still understood what's on my mind. All that could came out of my mouth was.."i'm not even 21, if nikah still need parents to sign for me..no fun" But ONLY YOU knew what's on my mind. I'm a bad PA, Dear, remember your Bali issue? The one that's on the waiting list, i guess i was too weak, i could not handle it..so in the end...Mr P took it...but i still told Abang to take over at least one... I'm sorry i didn't took over any. I'm too weak. I've already cleared all the toys from your table and transferred to mine. At first..S-jiejie wanted to move me there...i was thrilled at first, but then i realise how much drama can go on there, and i don't think i'll be able to take it...i didnt say anything though. Then soon after, i heard your sayang D and S-jiejie moving someone else there, i was kinda more appeased but still jealous..cause there's traces of you there. Then again...i'm always jealous? Truetruetrue! I went lunch alone... i just went Mac @ OG... i didnt had any appetite...but i bought fries and coke..and i'm sure you'll smack me and scold me upside down..cause i took a bit of 2 fries and a sip of drink..and i didn't eat anything for the rest of the day in fact..the last meal for me was when you fed me lunch before you left. I'm sorry, but i was too down...traces of you are everywhere.. But i'm trying to behave now...i'll be good...i'll take care of myself... Cause it made me realised that i don't want you to be worry over me & i know it's not possible for you to come save me if i faint..as if you're able to do so, we'll be laughing right now....but you're there & i'm here... I never fail to look up the sky whether it's day or night..and think..we're under the same sky...but i wonder what you're doing at that same moment, remember how you tell me to take in the nature and appreciate it when i feel lost, well i took your advice...won't work everytime but it's still a temporary cure. I feel so breathless when you're not around. I'm addicted to you. i got so much happiness from you and it had to pause for a while.. i take him as a trial for both of us from him... like what you saide.."hope faith will be on our side".

I hope you're doing fine and taking care of yourself too. Love you Dear. :)

Trying to be stronger now, really trying...it's a bit difficult, but my tears is drying up...or at least my eyes needs a break.. All i want is to stay well and fill myself with the happy memories. I'm still waiting for news, but patience is a virtue right?

I'm glad i got 2 days MC, but now i'm wondering am i really sick till the Doc gave me 2 days instead of 1? i'm thankful, but he gave me antibiotics, said my tonsils is big, told me to get more rest. I've like panadol, antibiotics, lozenges, flu med. He even emphasize on me having to finish the antibiotics, every single bite of it! But i' think curing myself mentally is a priority now... Curing myself emotionally fully...is a bit impossible now...as he's my only cure! So Dear..better hunt me and claim me back!

Been sleeping it off, but giving pretentious smiles is really tiring... and being down is tiring too.

So till i'm better, yall take care of yourself.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman Property of Mohd Fadli Ibrahim.

5:30 AM

Day 3 Only you on my mind & in my heart

i miss you. then again i always miss you. i took 2 days MC. If you had the chance will you come running back to me even if it's for a while just to tell me to be strong. As that's what i need from you now. You're the one who always dared to look me in the eye and tell me to step up, smile...

till now no news yet, i'm going nuts. I've a horrible headache. As much as i have no reason to cheer up about, i don't want you to feel any pain that i'm feeling now. People keep telling me time flies, well in my world, time is crawling.

Dear, i can't stop looking at our pictures and texts, i would wake just to check my hp if there's any news from your brother... if only.... I've always imagine the day when you would come to claim me back and how i would hug you so tightly and not let you go. It's painful, but i'll always crave for the day when you will open up your arms wide for me and never let me go again, and to never leave my side again. I'll always remember

I'm trying to crawl my back up and stand, but it's no easy. One thing for sure, i'm bound to drop and faint...i was about too drop today, but i can't..i'm home...don't want mummy to worry too much. But how much can longer can i pretend, how much longer do i have to endure. The duration..is stuck in my head. ALL I WANT IS TO TAKE A LOOK AT YOU, I WANT TO KNOW YOUR WELL BEING. THAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO ME.

If you feel the same way as i do then don't...cause it's enough for me to endure the pain, i don't to have to worry for you enduring the same kind of pain. All i want is your smile & well-being.

"A night is just a night that always remain the same to most people but to me every single night is like a memory retraction, time to remember your daily and your past moment that make you smile or happy"

"Once i'm back , you will bet i'll make you mine and never leave you again!"

The truth? I'm dead inside. Like i said, it's not a life without you. But for now, till you're back, i'm going to try to live...for you..

Loving and missing you Dear.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

12:04 AM

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Day 2 without you..

Hey Bloggy,

you should be pretty upset with me for only turning you at a downturn of my life... i'm sorry. Just that i can't call people up at this timing just so i can rant away.

Reading through your messages, as much as i miss you, it boost up my strength... not a lot...but at least your texts shows how strong we can be...

i don't know...i really don't know what i'm trying to say... here i am ignorantly waiting for news... waiting for you...

i'm not making sense now...

Usually it will be this timing, you'll be texting me...and i'm that silly girl who somehow will never fail to falls asleep while texting you half-way. As much as you'll get irritated and expect an asnwer from me,,, you'll still understand and not get mad at me.. Cause only you knew how shagged i was.

Dear please remember that you swear not to have the intention to push me away...no matter what the circumstances. You will come and find me when the day comes right..? You will claim me back when the time is right? Cause i'll be waiting.... I'm yearning for that day to be back in your arms. Both you and i have a vow to keep.

I miss having you worrying about my well being, whether it's with regards to my pimples, eye bags, dark circles, morning gastric, dry skin, or whatsoever.

I didn't dump you..neither did you dump me... SITUATION is separating us. If this is a trial for us, ya Allah, guide me through..give me the strength..

Yearns for the day to be back in your arms Dear. Love you.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

9:56 AM

It used to be so much easier...

It used to be so much easier to numb myself and be strong. But all i'm doing now is acting strong, i don't know how long i can continue doing so. When frankly, all i want to do is faint, at least it'll save me the feeling of pain & torture and time will pass me by without even me knowing.

I'm so weak without you, you used to say i'm the light of your foundation.... how am i suppose to even stand without my foundation...

It's a work day tmr, tell me how...how am i suppose to survive... Dear, i really don't know what to do... i hope my tears will dry up soon, but at this rate & at this state, tell me how.. i know it's hurting you too. I'm already missing you so much.

You're my strength, you still are...and you will always be. So whatever work tips you gave me, i'll remind myself to make use of it. I'm gonna miss seeing "110" intercom my phone.

I keep telling myself i'll be fine, i know i will be. As for you Dear, i will be strong and keep myself strong. I may be emotionally weak, but i'll still take care of myself, just for you. I apologise to anyone whom i made so worry about me.

Currently i'm hating enclosed areas so much as i'll feel like i can't breathe... really difficult to breathe.

I love you Mohd Fadli Ibrahim. Till we return to each other arms, tonight let the full moon keeps us company. Every step i take, every move i made, has you on my mind & in my heart. I hope it's the same for you too.

WHY THE PAIN HAS TO BE FELT PHYSICALLY AND NOT ONLY MEANT LITERALLY...? MY HEART HURTS SO BAD...REALLY DOES... I'M TOO WORRIED FOR YOUR WELL-BEING...

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

5:35 AM