Sunday, March 27, 2011
Uneasy and Lost.
My school stuff ain't settled, i feel really uneasy now..
Tomorrow it'll start, but i don't know where to go & where to report etc...
Forgive me for not replyyin to any text/call now..
I'm afraid, i'm weaker now... it's so easy to numb myself, but it takes a lot of heart for me to pretend to smile & laugh with you and make the day simply great... Cause at the end of the day when i'm myself, i'm back to reality as the deadline comes closer and closer to hunt me down. I've not been a friend to many i know..again..i'll beg your forgiveness...
Everything is fake now.
Nur Hida signing off.
7:27 AM
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"What is right and What is Wrong?"
Once again, alhamdullilah... thank you..thank you...thank you & you! Thanx for giving me this opportunity....
I've so many thoughts on my mind, happy & worried frankly... I don't know what to do...i seriously need major help for accounting...if i'm able to settle trading profit & loss account, adjustments....
I need to grow up and stop thinking why life is unfair... i've got no right to do so...
To the one who tried to fleece my mum today... YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! I MEAN IT A*HOLE! Don't because she alone..want to take advantage...if i was with her...you'll be at the police station right now! Idiots...buzz off! If you so smart & healthy...GET A JOB!
Anyway...have noted some potential colleagues..
Hopefully this time...i'll get over it & start afresh.
I'm feeling better but not perfect yet.... give me time..i don't want to rush things..with myself...
I've tortured someone today...literally deprived that someone of major sleep! sorry!
I think Coffee Bean will be my new best friend soon, kinda addicted to the Banana Choc..
I'm gonna have an early night... i'm over thinking..i don't wanna get into a mess again.
Sorry friends, if i've lived my own world now..i just need to be selfish for a while and worry about myself... Yall are big enough to know to not make rash decisions right... So just take care of yourself..
I've live with enough regret,
Thinking it ain't no big deal,
Not giving myself enough respect,
Letting myself believe, life's just another ferris wheel.
Hope is what i want,
Fresh is how i live,
This time ain't gonna run,
For all i need is, my beliefs.
PS: Mum's already asking me how i'm going to pursue my studies, when life starts.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
5:09 AM
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I think i'll be alright...
Candles by Hey Monday
The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Could't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
One day
You will wake up
With nothing but you’re sorries
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright
I've a new set of playlist on my phone that just lets me cool down and let me have the peace that i want and need. Music is the perfect medicines that can minimise the pain inflicted on your soul.
I've not been in touch via Twitter nor Facebook, it feels a bit weird, but i just need to get away from things till i've got myself settled. I'm not losing it, i just need to listen to myself for once...
Things have changed the day i've graduated from ITE, everyone's growing up, a fact which i've difficulty adapting too... Things have gotten more personal and adds more responsibilities... I shall say responsibilities instead of burden? My family shall never be a burden to me... My family....things ain't just the same.
I've left this blog quite a while ago, i'm glad i can actually come back and just continue ranting... A place where not many knows? Maybe...or maybe not?
Obligations in your life, prioritise them right.
On the other hand, i'm actually worried about my interview tomorrow, i'm not sure what to do...or what to say...i'm not sure what's gonna happen tomorrow...
Okay, i've to calm down....i can't lead myself into a mess again...
I do not expect anyone to understand me..besides my family of course...
But yeap, all i can say, situation hasn't been the same ...
I'm more paranoid... YES! I'VE BEEN OVER PARANOID...OVER THE WRONG THINGS...OR SHALL I SAY PARANOID OVER THE THINGS THAT ALL OF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT...
I don't like leaving my mum home alone at times...especially when i know i can just stay home.. Cause i know how lonely it can me to be inside a house that you call home..but yet you're all alone.
I'm gonna reveal myself a bit to you..bloggy! I've a serious attitude problem...i love my dad..i really do! I don't know...can i say...i'm kind of not over the fact...that i remembered the day he told me..he can no longer spend time with me or pamper me..or bring me out as often... Then starts the bad communication..
I'll miss him when he's not at home..and i feel bad..when i know he's working so hard... but he never hesitates to hand me money... I would want to talk to him so bad...have a real conversation..but when he does...i tend to answer him rudely sometimes..and only start being nice like 5 minutes later... I'm a horrible child? YES i am...
I'm an emotional freak? Totally am.
I'm not a perfect girlfriend either... I'll only be nice when he gives me stuff..brings me out..etc... but then soon after...i'll give that stupid face.. Nope..it's not my "period" issue..it's just me.. But we won't end up fighting...i'll get the scolding...and i'll be guilty as charged...and then life goes on.. Thanx you! He's working night shift today..he ends at 8 a.m tomorrow...but he's still going to company me for my morning interview...feeling so horrible!
When i company my mum to shop, i'll do it at times for my personal benefit, i'll grab biscuits, tidbits and ice cream... My mum won't mind, as long as i'll don't waste it. But i've to admit...i tend to grab too many at times..and she still doesn't say a word...like today...i grab a whole lots of snack! All she said was, "you're like a small kid who is so jakun go shop...and go gag over a tidbits!"
Okay conclusion, i'm a spoilt brat.
I don't know what is up with my current post...i know it's a bit rojak. But i'm kinda distracted now...can't think straight. Think i'll have an early night, so hopefully...i'll start studying please..then can prepare and go off.
It's all worth a smile,
Are you willing to walk a mile,
For that someone, whom you loved,
Be a sweety pie, and at least try.
As nervous as i am,
I feel like crushing a can,
But then again, i shall not,
For i'm worth more than that,
Therefore i shall not step so low.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
5:15 AM
Alhamdullilah... *shine a light*
Thank you. Thank you. Thanx, mum and thanx you..for always including me in your prayers. Thanx to daddy too...i may not know...but i'm sure he includes the family in his prayers too...
Alhamdullilah, i've pass through the first interview...and i'm going for my second tomorrow. Just at the point when i was just about to give up and just turn to whatever jobs that i'm being offered or jobs that i know i've higher chances in getting the job.
Hopefully, things will be fine tomorrow...insya-allah...
I know who i am, i know i am not smart, i know all i have is that private diploma that may not worth anything.... i know that i do not have the perfect grades for my 'O'levels... Oh wait..i do not even have a diploma yet... I've got to retake my Accounts paper... I don;t wanna get started ranting about that now. I've still not gotten my result for another 2 modules...i really hope...that i had got through the last 2 modules... I've gotten myself bad enough having to retake my Accounts paper.
Talking about my Accounts paper...i do not even know where and how i should start...i do no know how i am supposed to study or from who i should get help.
I'm worried about so many things now...
I just wanna start helping the family too....
Ya allah, hopefully...i'll be able to work and start a career in a line and industry that i've been interested in since young... Insya-allah...i'll be able to pursue my degree in Comms, Marketing or even Admin... Okay, plans for studies later on...
Now need to focus on getting a job..
I need to start studying soon...
To whom it may concern...my group of friends.... whom i've not met for a while..and whom i'm supposed to meet and pass my presents too... I'm so sorry..i've just been really down... I don;t know what to say and what to do... Once i'm more settled with myself...i'll join you once again... I'm sorry...i really am... I hope i didn't get anyone of you mad or dissapointed. I do miss all of you.
That's all for now..
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
2:33 AM
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What's up?
What's up? I have no idea what is up.
he's truly concern about me. a concern which i do not know how to reciprocate...no matter how bad or rude i've been...he stand me...why... even mummy says i got to take a rain check on my attitude...and he has seen everything... is he just blinded...or does he really care..?
The truth. I am waiting for glee to start. Do not know why i am just letting my fingers being the main transmitter of the thoughts in my brain. Oh maybe..i'm just allowing myself to be imaginative and letting myself know that maybe just like glee...soon enough everyone will shine on their own...and things will flow the way they plan it to be.
I'm sorry..but for sure..this post i;m just ranting away..
Who decides on what is true,
How do i know if i should,
I'm getting myself all confused.
Emotions are messed up,
A point where i can't figure it out,
I feel so wrong, but i know it's right,
Once again who decides.
I'm a mess,
A damsel in distress,
I smile,
As it's the only free thing in the world.
I'm a spoilt princess,
Who just don't really give a damn about anyone else,
Anyone, but her family, friends and maybe you.
How is it that i don't give a damn but actually want to gives a care to everyone she loves.
I'm confused, i'm rude.
I'm angry for being angry.
I don't play fair unless i love you.
I feel really bad.
Cause i'm not able to do everything for you,
When all i wanna do, is give the world to you.
This should be my last for the day.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
5:23 AM
How to be happy?
Recent events, has just brought a lot of thoughts to me... I already had enough on my mind, but i just keep adding on to my misery.
When you were a kid, and some adult ask you, what do you wanna be when you grow up... & with so much passion and enthusiasm you answered..."i wanna be a model, a doctor, a lawyer, a princess!'.
As for me, i would always say the same thing, that is ...either acting or get myself working in a high-end hotel & earning an executive position before i'm 30. I admit i did say i wanted to be a lawyer, a singer...a police-girl... then i realised...it's not possible to be so many things at one time. So i thought to myself..maybe i should just act...acting helps you discover so many things...diiferent views...different opinions..and a different side of life. I'm not blaming anyone..but i guess i was exposed to the Perfroming Arts a bit too late...in secondary school..i got my chance,,,i didnt get any major lead roles at first..but then..soon i did...and thought it's not as easy as it looks..i love it..i really...do... Performing is not something that me and my friends have in common..but they still stood by me and cheered me on when i got on stage... Theatre still excites me a lot...it really does...there's really so much to learn in theatre... Every single time i see a play..i'll wonder..many things..like...how are the characters alive? Without realising...some things...you simply ain't allowed to say in life...you;re allowed to express yourself in acting. If only life was as easy as theatre...then everyone would well-deserved their happy ending right?
Then i somewhat grew up...i knew i had to choose...as much as that theatre opportunity open up to me...i gave it up... & wanted to be realistic..and said...lets earn that big pay...ida! Let's work at that hotel..then i can buy mum whole lots of stuff... The point when i really grew up..and realised it's not as simple... Frankly..right now..i'm too scared to even try.... As much as i wanna expose myself...i really literally afraid to face the light...
Heard the saying..."Be the change you want to see in the world"?...well start small... & be the change that you want to see in your own life. Yes, it's easier to say than to actually do it..but it's worth a try right?
At the end of the day, i don't know what i'm trying to say... I just need to clear all these bubbles in my head..
I consider myself to still be the best actor in my life...as i'm still able to give everyone that smile that they would want or expect from me...
I'm still me..just different.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Sulaiman.
3:16 AM
Monday, March 21, 2011
Ain't Easy...
At times it just ain't easy to just talk it out, cause there's always times when your emotions is all so messed up and you, yourself do not know what's going on. People tend to tell you...talk about it, express yourself, even i myself would tell that to my friends, but it's the point when i do not judge and i just would give my honest opinion or the situation looks like from my point of view... Then i move on. I believe everybody has their own perception on what is best for their life.
However, i'm so used to just listening to people's rantings & problems, then somehow it's just leading me to just sitting in a corner & smiling to everything. I'm going to continue smiling as a fake proof that i'm okay. There's lots of things on my mind...in fact there's a whole lot of scrabble going on in my brain right now...
Yeah sure, i've a boyfriend, i'm supposed to be able to tell him about anything and everything right...
But i'm at the point of life, where i do not want to burden anyone...anyhow. Yes, he cheers me up, he has ways of brightening my day. But in the end, when i am back home in my own world, my random deep-thinking thoughts just start flowing.
Yes i love my friends, they're dependable... they're lovely people... But again, who am i to barge in their lives and start ranting. I don't deserve that privilege. They've a life of their own.
I'm a mess, a horrible mess. I do not know where is my stepping stone. Pretentious is all i can be now. I've regrets i do...i've dissapoint important people in my lives before... But one thing for sure, it's not stopping me from moving on...as the journey open my path up to meet wonderful people whom i've make friends with...
I used to think, nothing is sweeter than life than Candy, Family & Friends. I still think soo... but i guess i'm on new self-discovering "journey" for my "Candy".
I'm not interested in being a hypocrite, so whatever i said, if it stab your heart, forgive me. But hey, you gotta stop pondering why there's even people who want to even try and stab you... and maybe..just maybe, you should start thinking have you ever step on people's toes before.. Our shoes size maybe similar, but that don't mean we walk or run the same way. You may run faster than me, but i could walk myself into an even better adventure. I sound like giving up, maybe i am...maybe i'm not.. But one thing for sure...i'm still trying to find myself a stepping stone.
Pretentious as i may be...
Life's still wonderful...
As the Earth stilll rotates...
The Moon still shines beside the stars...
And after every rainy day, you'll see a rainbow...
Appreciate life even when you're down.
Signing off,
Nur Hida Binte Sulaiman.
9:29 PM
