Pretentious Smile is the best i have now...(: "Claim me back please..."

Monday, May 5, 2014

That Same Feel

That same feel i had 3 years ago, just that the pain has multiplied... Is this all a facade..? Was it just all an act..? Nothing is real. I can't tell what's real and who is being real. Have i been actually in my own world all along. I am so tired. I just want to know the truth but i can't decide what i want. I am done playing around, i really am. I am pretty simple, if it's not real just put an end to it. Whatever that has to be dealt, we can deal with it as an acquaintance, i sincerely refused to be hurt any longer. i'll rather feel hurt now and not any more longer nor thru the rest of the way letting myself even deeper to only realize nothing is real.
i got no one to talk to for now and i am so tired already putting on a strong facade. I am done playing games, i've mature in this sense.
What would you be telling me now..? Are you really protecting me or you just wish to continue spinning me around as an object you can play with..? Would you kindly be letting me go now if you have nothing real to say.
Do you really even have anything real for me?
Am i just another game, another experience, another story to tell...

I am so tired. I really am.

PS: Even after the truth, if it ends, i still hope you'll be a human who is at least true to his own words with regards to certain matters.

Thanks for Nothing,
Nur Hida.

10:55 PM

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Dear Blog,
It's been so long... Start to blog again..? Probably...

It's already end of May, i may have a fresh start from my career... Went to Bangkok in early May, almost spent and spent non-stop, even used up my savings.. I got to start saving properly already.. I've been saying it.. but i probably gotta start to mean it as well.. I'm not getting younger... I'm lucky i still have a roof over me... But i gotta start thinking the rest of my life... I want to study..but again saving is not that near... Gosh...

My MR is back with me, it's already been back about 5 months.. I'm so thankful, i can be safely back in his arms... I'm done being down... He's kinda naggy and pretty strict at times... But for sure i know it's for my own good. Darn well at times kinda irritating... Cause as if he knows me..
I do have a pretty bad attitude that i just don't need others to know.. I am kinda temperemental and just lazy... Frankly we may meet most times, but there isn't like really any proper bond time.. We're at work most times... At times all we talk about is work, which does irritates me at times... As in without work there's nothing else to talk about... But again thankfully..it's not that case.. He still irritates me and humors me...

I feel so lost now.. I'm working..but i'm going broke faster than i can say "i have no $$.." so i really gotta slow down... i gotta stop be gluttony... i gotta really start appreciating for what i have and yet others don't..

It's the GSS moment... but i gotta control myself...
I wanna help out....

Ya Allah, guide me through though i may not be the best humble servant of all..
Forgive me.

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

4:07 AM

Monday, August 8, 2011

This time i'm actually proud to say..i'm back..stronger... I'm not gonna acknowledge myself the past month, cause i was so weak..so fragile..so NOT ME. Even if it's just a front, i am way better than that. Come on felines, try being bitchy to me now...you'll see what happen. Remember, there's always someone better than you out there, so there's definitely a better bitch out there! So just sit down & smile, you won't die by smiling... As i pick myself up, along they way, i manage to dig up secrets that ain't mine but will be of my concern as soon as one of my loves get hurts, cause that's when you actually wish that you were actually smart enough to treasure her. I ain't no love guru, nor love expert, i fell hard, really hard, nobody pick me up. I pick myself up. But i know when my girls get hurt, this time you'll get hurt too, cause i know who is your haters, and my oh mine...your haters love me!!! I'm giving you a chance here, but that ain't mean that you don't have to try hard to impress, cause here i am saying you better try twice as hard. I'll be nice.

In certain terms i'm pretty unsettled, but my mind is cleared. My heart is cleared. My emotions are balance.

I learnt things the hard way, the one way that i don't want any of my loves to go through as it's the worst ever... It's like i fell down into a well, & that only one that could save me is not on earth, the rest of my lifelines are just not in used somehow. Which is kinda hurting and super surprising, i guess i thought as much as i'll be there for people, they could one day just be there for me.

But i guess, at times what goes around does not come around...

It's okay at least my conscious is clear, i know i did my part...

I realised how harsh reality can be....

How i was ignorantly be used, but even when i knew i gave way...

All cause i wanna be there... All cause i don't want them to feel alone...

If you find me different, good, cause i prefer me now...

This time don't say i'm being harsh, take it as whatever you gave me, i'm returning it to you for real.

It's like how you wanna demand respect, you gotta first serve and earned that same kinda respect.

Life got onto me, life catch up to me,

As much as i don't wanna, at least i'll try to adapt.

I'll be no bitch if you stop behaving like one.

This time girl, i mean it. I really do.

Signing off,

Nur Hida Sulaiman.

9:06 PM

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Still waiting patiently...

The truth, i'm really numb now... I've lost track of how many days you've been gone...till you'll be back. Sometimes i think to myself, am i deceiving myself, cause when i try to keep track of my own feelings i feel so much hurt... I never felt this hurt before... Cause i felt that we were true.. But i'm a a random moment when i feel that probably it's all in my own head... Or then i thought your actions prove otherwise.. maybe it's again all on my part.. the day when i saw you..the look in your eyes... when you told your mom that you wanted to see me... when you ask your bro to ask/remind if i did write to you... cause YOU were waiting... i don't know.. I'm putting so much hope till october..i'm trying to withstand time..and hopefully you'll cure me... or just let me break in to pieces, that i'll pick myself up. Now, i can't do anything...cause you ain;t here with me..i don't wanna judge..neither do i wanna let go that chance of our irritating relationship... Cause that's how much i care..

Knowing me, i would never let myself be so emotionally fragile..cause i would always protect myself..i never wanted to be weak..i never wanted to be that girl who got hurt and then refuse to love again.. Yes, probably i'm insecured.. But with you... i let all my emotions through, cause i just felt that it's right.. being with you felt right... Am i just a girl who manage to innocently fall in love with a guy? Is it meant to be? You tell me..? i'll wait till then...

the worst scenario would be..i'll probably crash and burn...but at least from there i'll pick myself up..

Now i'm hanging all by myself..taking in all my nonsense crap.. As much as i wanna pour my hearts out to someone... all i need is you... Therefore i'm keeping whatever to myself.. i guess you could roughly know how much pain and how much sorrows i'm in? Sound pretty drama? Oh well... you'll understand when the time comes...

you're the only one that i want...

Nur Hida Sulaiman signing off....

6:15 AM

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Can WE really withstand time please?

At times, it really just sux to know that you're not here with me or for me! Times when i really just wanna scream or punch someone! Whether, it's me being overly-emotional or it's me being immature..i really miss you being here for me!! Life just ain't good without your presence here with me.

6:04 AM

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear,

I don't know how to start...but i'm glad...i really am... i'm glad i'm able to see you today... Frankly i was only mentally prepared to like go with your brother... but with Mother? hmm... that's a lot to take in... As randomly the night before i went to see you, your bro told me to give mother a call, she wanted to talk to me about you... I PANICKED BIG TIME!!! But in the end...i called her... it was a short & sweet convo.. Somehow the only thing that calm me down, was when she said, "aLi pesan suroh ajak hida pergi skali..." *blushing* bluek! You're the sweetest to me!

So in the end you know that your bro overslept, so i end up with mother ALONE...but yeah...at least mother's nice..really nice.... The visit was funny...wasn't it? i felt so mentel..and i think you were kinda mentel too.. i mean...WE were like giggling and smiling but didn't really say anything!!! I can't keep my eyes off you definitely!!! Dear, but though we didn't say much to each other, you just gave me the assurance that you'll be back for me... you gave me the feeling that you're not gonna let me go no matter what.. though you did say, if i found someone better..blablabla..you'll let me go if i wanna... But something just gave me the feeling that you somehow rather me stay..and stay for good! But i knew for sure, though we didn't say much to each other... we somehow knew what was on each other's mind!! Frankly, i think i didn't talk much cause i fear that i may break down in front of you... and i don't wanna do that... and I knew YOU were acting strong too... We're just stubborn egoistic ass who refuse to reveal our true emotions! I felt sad too...cause i knew and you even said yourself that on the outer layer..you may be laughing/smiling but inside...?

Mother really misses you and loves you a lot ...Dear! I'm still wondering though...why is it that though i'm just beside mother...why you couldn't ask me straight if i would wanna come along on the next visit?! Why you had to tell mother..to remember to ask me ... hmm?!! But you're still cute...really cute! & i'm really am in love with you! I realise one thing...when i recalled anything about you..i'm just happy. Conclusion? I'm happily in love with you..so be nice to me! i'm already missing you.. Dear..when you tell me that you could probably end earlier..i was literally on cloud 9.. cause i want to be with you so bad... Dear, i probably should update you that mother was asking me if i actually knew the actual story...and all i said was that i ain't sure. Then she open up to me a little...and she broke down in front of me.. this time i didn't panick, cause i could understand how she felt..and she just needed to express herself out.. thank god, i controlled myself to be stronger for a little more while... though mother cried only for a while.. still... it was a shocking moment for me. OOh...yeah..i'm not sure if you noticed...but there was a few times...when mother wanted to leave the room so both of us can have our own private convo.. but i stop her from doing so... cause i knew i'll be speechless...cause if i talk..i'll probably get emotional and break down..and make you worry about me.. I don't want that... i don't want you worrying about me..all i want is you to keep your promise to me... I really want to be back in your arms... I'll only be sincerely happy and safe...when i'm back in your arms, and this time promise me you'll not leave me again ..please...

PS: I read the letter...that one sentence from you...is enough to make my eyes teary...but i still manage to controlled... but "i miss you" is enough to let me know that i cross your mind and somehow you still had me in your heart! :)

Missing you much, Loving you lots,

Nur Hida Sulaiman

2:37 PM

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Day 28: My mind playing tricks with me...

Dear,

Can imagine you nagging at me now.. Okay, i know i said i will take my meds, but somehow i tend to forget... you know how forgetful i can be right... heh, i am taking my medicines but only when i tend to feel the pain in my throat... It's so weird how COKE can actually feel so acidic down my throat.. haizz.. My weekend...weekend...it's has and somehow will always be a lazy weekend. I've been having weird dreams lately, but i think probably i've been thinking of you too much when i'm home...then somehow when i fall asleep...my mind plays trick on me via my dreams. My posts is getting shorter? I know... I used to go through every single part of the day... thinking of you and wanting to tell you so much that i grew tired... i grew tired of NOT being able to tell you... NOT able to get a response.. NOT able to turn to you for advise... So basically, if i could i'll just go through the day as per normal try as hard as to keep you out of my mind, even though i miss you. Things that i feel as if i'm keeping to myself... cause nobody cares, and it's okay...i don't need pretentious concern from anyone no more, as much as i'm only 1/2 alive, i'll be strong for myself. Remember how once you'll tell me, that life is harsh.. probably i've not been through much, but in terms of relations...friends..i think i probably i know better. Reality did catch up on me i guess.. maybe i've not gone through any major mountain yet... but probably the relations that means the most to me...the relation whom i'm able to be there for them..are not able to do the same. Which is why i dared to say, i 'm strong but only 1/2 alive. Due to my off yesterday (Saturday) i realise how much work has actually kept me distracted and takes up my time in a good way... Next saturday will be my off too.. i probably should come up with something, even if it's a solo activity. I'm a saggitarius, probably the weakest one ever, i'm not able to be left alone and not do anything, as i would seriously have a mental breakdown and be emotionally disturb. I....frankly i think probably i been torturing myself too... As much as even Mummy reminds me to take my meds if not i'll end up going for OP like my bros..and it will also reduce the risk of me having frequent headaches and fever that i'm having.. i've been avoiding meds, feeding myself, with chocs, sweets and spice.. then take a nap when i feel feverish..and be really grumpy when i've a bad headache. Even at work, i would still feel feverish and have frequent headaches. Basically i just want to let you know, no matter how good a facade i can put up, i'm not happy... i really am not. I forgot how is it to have happy laughters naturally...

My friends are eager to meet you somehow, but i told them you're too busy with life to even meet me.... how would you set the time to meet them...

One even told me, to take care of myself, if not YOU will be worried and probably get angry too if i don't.... She just randomly said that to me.. Well, Mr Fadli...are YOU UPSET? ARE YOU ANGRY? Well, i'm ready anytime to hear you lecturing me.

Life goes whatever to me now,

Nur Hida Sulaiman, One who's ONLY 1/2 ALIVE.

7:51 PM